Parenting Humor
« Previous Entries Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008The Curse of Womanhood
©Lisa Barker
I think women have a gene that causes an adverse reaction to clothing
when hormones go haywire once or twice a month.
I hate the color red. Why I even own a red blouse is a mystery to me.
It must have looked good under those trick lights in the dressing
room that can make even a […]
The Bad Hair Day
©Lisa Barker
I haven’t had a bad hair day in a long time, but one hit me this week
five minutes before I was to walk out the door for Mass.
My husband poked his head in our room. “Aren’t you going to
church?”
“No! I feel like a HORSE!” Fwing! There went another skirt
flying across the room.
He’s a good […]
I Dream Therefore I Am…An Insect
©Lisa Barker
I dreamt I was a fruit fly. A little white fruit fly flying among
thousands of fruit flies. I was looking for my husband. But he had flown
off because he was in the military service (of fruit flies, of course).
So I flew to Australia to see his mom because I knew she could help.
She […]
How To Make Your Toddler Possessed
©Lisa Barker
(An excerpt from Lisa Barker’s book Just Because Your Kids Drive You
Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!)
I rarely take my kids on a clothes-shopping expedition–unless it’s for
the child in tow and all the rest are at home. This means I have a 90%
record in my favor of happy, well-behaved kids when shopping for
clothes.
Unlike […]
Chatty Son is Music To My Ears
©Lisa Barker
Sometimes when a mom chooses to stay at home, she worries that her
education will go to waste. Little by little caring for little ones kills
off brains cells. We cut everything at the dinner table into tiny
pieces. We’re doomed to forever speak in the third person.
And then your child turns ten-years old.
He soaks up every […]
The Estrogen Express
©Lisa Barker
My husband is a manly man. He takes great pride in being the head of
the household and he does a great job as a husband and father. I
don’t mind deferring to him…but he’s about to be dethroned.
There are three women living in our house. Any sane man will tell […]
Soul Woman
©Lisa Barker
I tried one of those self-tanning gimmicks. It took me almost an hour
to choose from all the products and if I had just spent that amount of
time in the sun, I wouldn’t have had to spend twenty dollars on an
experiment.
Everybody’s going to know I got a tan out of a bottle if it goes […]
Parenting Teens: Next Will Come A Plague of Locusts
©Lisa Barker
It happens every day at 3:20PM. I brace myself behind the kitchen
counter, the door opens and I defend myself with apples, peanut butter and
pretzels.
They mow through them like linebackers then retreat to their rooms
where they unburden themselves of the three hundred pound backpacks they
lug everywhere.
I prepare for the second wave. Milk, cookies, and fruit […]
Top Signs of Volunteer Burn-out
Lisa Barker
One of the best things parents can do for their children is to
volunteer in the classroom or for an after school sport or club. But sometimes
parents, especially moms, can over-commit and that can quickly lead to
burn-out and resentment. Post the following list on your refrigerator
to help keep your volunteerism in a healthy range.
You might […]
Signs That You Are a Chocoholic
©Lisa Barker
1. You like to dip strawberries, cherries and bananas in chocolate so you start experimenting at dinner with broccoli and cauliflower substituting chocolate for cheese.
2. You buy a bottle of chocolate syrup and carry it around in a small paper bag for a quick nip when you need it.
3. You pour yourself a cup […]