The Curse of Womanhood
©Lisa Barker
I think women have a gene that causes an adverse reaction to clothing
when hormones go haywire once or twice a month.
I hate the color red. Why I even own a red blouse is a mystery to me.
 It must have looked good under those trick lights in the dressing
room that can make even a cadaver look sexy.
But it’s not like I went home, tried it on and decided it wasn’t
very flattering and took it back. Oh, no. It looked good then,
too…until I had to wear it for something important. And it was the only
clean blouse in the closet that fit that day because I was retaining water.
 Great! Now I look like a big balloon. Just call me Bubbles the
Clown!
But if it isn’t the color screaming at you, “Hey, Bubble Butt!â€
then it’s a blouse you bought that fit really well. You took it home,
wore it once and now your kids can use it to dress Barbie. After one
wash it’s shrunk for life.
I bought two pairs of shoes two months ago. Great buy. One was even
marked down to six dollars. I haven’t worn them yet. One pair is now
too big and the other is too small.
This is God’s little joke on women: PMS – Perplexed Mood
Surfing…all achieved by messing with our hormones
I love the contemporary commercials for Midol.  Finally, they’re
telling it like it really is:Â poor women, rolling around doubled-over,
gripped in pain, battling fatigue, dizziness and everything else. And
you know that water retention is part of that, too.
That’s why women have so many clothes and shoes. We can’t help it!
 You never know when you roll out of bed what type of body you are
going to wake up to. Every day there’s a new size and shape.
That’s why we all have a favorite pair of sweats or pajama pants and
a big loose cotton shirt.  The usual accessories are a pint of ice
cream and a spoon. It’s our ‘Don’t bug me’ outfit.
Of course, God thought it would be funnier if he added pimples, hot
flashes and cravings—whether you’re pregnant or not. At least ‘the
curse’ doesn’t curse just women. Men have to live on this planet,
too, and they can’t escape PMS either.Â
I’m very happy about that.
To love, honor and suffer were the real vows taken when my dear husband
and I married. My job is to be pitiful. His job is to wait on me
like a man whose life depends on it. Oh, wait. It really does.
So keep that Dove Unconditional Chocolate ice cream flowing and I
won’t take any hostages. Maybe.
—————————————————————————–
LISA BARKER of Greenfield is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of
five. Her latest book is “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane …
Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!” See www.JellyMom.com for more
information.
Your fellow WAHM in success,
Anita
Topics: Parenting Humor | No Comments »