How To Make Your Toddler Possessed
©Lisa Barker
(An excerpt from Lisa Barker’s book Just Because Your Kids Drive You
Insane…Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!)
I rarely take my kids on a clothes-shopping expedition–unless it’s for
the child in tow and all the rest are at home. This means I have a 90%
record in my favor of happy, well-behaved kids when shopping for
clothes.
Unlike me when I was a child, my kids aren’t running through the aisles
or hiding themselves in the middle of a circular rack. I have kids
who actually look forward to clothes shopping.
That is, until today.
I haven’t been shopping seriously for clothes for myself since my twins
(now eleven) were about the age of their youngest sister who’s now
three. That was back in the days when just about the time I was
completely down to my underwear one or both of the twins would whip open the
curtain of the changing room, much to my chagrin and the surprise of all
the other customers in the vicinity.
So, eight years later, I’m a little wiser and really desperate. I tuck
the two little ones in the double stroller and embark on my daring
mission to seek clothes for my new body that, after five kids, is a new
body.
Well, we’re at my favorite store—the one where I mooned everyone
eight years ago. I’m relatively sure that no one remembers me. I riffle
through the racks like a clerk at the post office sorting mail. Yep,
nope, maybe, nope, nope, YES!
Once I accumulate a load of ‘yesses’, I pile them on the stroller and
park the kids just out of arm’s reach of the dressing curtain. I’m fast,
I’m greased lightening and I’m in and out of outfits so fast I’m
busting a sweat. And then it starts.
At first it sounded like the low growl of a finely tuned Chevy. But it
begins to build and crescendo with vehemence. I peek out of the curtain
just in time to see the sweet blonde head of my three-year old rotate
360 degrees. Her eyes cross, that deep guttural growl sounds again and
then—yikes! I duck back in the dressing room before the pea soup can
hit my new skirt.
The three-year old tries to take her two-year old brother’s head off
(she sits behind him in the stroller) while he simultaneously attempts to
reach back to scalp her.
Okay. Time to go. Wait—just one more thing!
“BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!â€
“Snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre.â€
One is possessed. One is out cold.
We check out. It’ll be months before these two won’t shriek when they
see a rack of clothes.
But hey, good news! One skirt was half off…and the toys were free!
LISA BARKER of Greenfield is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of
five. Her latest book is “Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane …
Doesn’t Mean You Are A Bad Parent!” See JellyMom.com for more
information.
Your fellow WAHM in success,
Anita
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